Liar, Liar

I was just called a liar.  I know, I'm shocked too.  I am many things, including a fibber, but liar...my friend you have gone too far.  I woke up this morning around 5:30 for some reason and couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to do a little writing.  Since Kev was asleep in the living room, and Mama (thats the affectionate name Justin and I have for each other) was in my bed, I decided to leave my comfy and now cold apartment (the air conditioner is working its ass off) and go to my local Starbucks.  And if that one is closed, I will go next door to the other Starbucks.  I will continue door to door until I find a Starbucks that is open so I can do some writing.  Luckily my Starbucks was open, but it was on my way to Starbucks that I was called this vulgar name.
You see as I left my front stoop and the theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show played (for some reason it just plays when I leave my apartment), I was passed by a man.  But this man wasn't the problem; it was the man a half mile down that I needed to worry about.  This man that I was currently dealing with put me in a great mood.  He simply said "morning" as we quickly passed by each other and made eye contact.  That simple, unexpected "morning" was enough to put a grin on my face and make me feel all was right with the world.  Well, all thats wrong with the world was now a quarter mile out.
He saw me coming, and like any good salesman, he had a pitch.  He started off with a question; a classic really..."can I ask you a question?"  I was hooked; so hooked that I kept walking right past him and said "sure."
At this point I recognized a few things about this man: his red basketball jersey (I'm sure he was an athlete of sorts), and the fact that clearly he was not up early, he was up late.  At 6 in the morning this man had been up all night on all sorts of fun drugs and now he was cranky.  But, being the salesman that he was, he continued to pitch.  I couldn't imagine what he wanted, so I was captivated and continued to walk away.  Now mind you at this point my body had sent that all familiar "danger" signal out.  You know the one...your body is overcome with a flood of adrenaline that lets you know "shit, I'm gonna die soon."  Its that fight or flight response that I must tell you is always flight with me.  You won't catch me choosing fight first; good god I don't want to get hurt.
Well he continued to pitch his idea with me and now I'm realizing this man is a traveling salesman because he's following me.  Another burst of adrenaline; now I'm the one on drugs because I'm now at peace with dying.  As he proceeds with his presentation, I realize he needs a little work on the actual wordage he is using because he is not being very clear or concise.  What I imagine my traveling salesman wanted to say was, " My friend, I have had a very long night.  Would you be so kind as to help me out.  I require another hit to get rid of this nasty withdrawal headache I have been suffering from for over 2 hours now.  Could you please lend me some change.  I'd gladly pay you back on Tuesday.  Thank you so much.  Oh by the way you look good today and I love the Theme song!!!"
What he actually said was " mumble mumble CHANGE, mumble mumble." To that I replied with my standard, "Sorry, I don't have anything on me" as I pat my pocket for a visual reference.  Luckily this time I really had nothing in them because I love looking like an asshole when I go to the visual reference portion of my response and you clearly here the jingle and clang of keys or boat loads of coins.
Usually, this response I have gets me a half assed "god bless" at worst, but this time I got a persistent one.  He was on the chase and was determined to call my bluff.  It was at this point that time slowed and he uttered the words (and I quote), "mumble mumble mumble LIIIIIIAAAARRRRRR mumble."  I was shocked and appalled.  So shocked and appalled that I sped up my pace from fast to leg chafingly fast.
It was also at this point I noticed his funny walk.  At first I thought this was just his signature stumble, but as I glanced down to better identify this new move that was sweeping the nation, I was surprised to see an artificial leg.  An ill fitting artificial leg at that.
Well suddenly all the adrenaline stopped flowing and I almost got a little cocky.  I mean, he was already trailing behind at this point.  And given the fact he had an ill fitting leg, clearly my flight response would be more than adequate should the time come for me to run.  So in a gesture rooted in taunt, I slowed down to admire his moves.
In the end, I was telling the truth...I only had 20's in my pocket asshole :-)